waking with nerves

Waking up with nerves.

Do you know that butterfly-jittering feeling that I mean?

This morning I woke up with butterflies in my stomach. That flittering, jittery feeling in my lower abdomen. It was like instant nerves. 

I had to lay there and contemplate why. What was my body trying to communicate with me? Is something wrong? Is something bad going to happen? Or is it something else?

Last night I pondered and explored what it would look like if I rode my bike the 6 or so miles one way to get my bi-weekly Covid test. I looked at the map. It didn’t look too bad. Though I would be going on busy 2+ lane roads. There would be traffic. I’d have to cross exits and entrances to a highway. And hills. 

I have ridden on quiet neighborhood streets and on bike paths. This proposed trip would be my first foray onto “real” roads. While I was considering it, I figured I could do it, but I still had trepidation. 

When I checked the weather last night there was a 30% chance of rain at the time I would be riding. I didn’t want to ride in the rain, so as I went to bed, I thought my ride would not happen. 

Well, my body knew before my brain did that I COULD go riding today and that I probably WOULD do it. So that’s why I felt jittery-fluttery this morning. My body knew. 

Now, yes, I could have opted out. I could have decided to drive like I always do, but there was just something about the whole idea that made me want to try in my “I don’t really want to try it” way.  I mean, since it WAS my own idea, I couldn’t get angry with it. Since I had already looked at the possible routes and saw the overall mileage, my body knew I could do it. I had to maneuver with the nerves though. 

There was a bit of a process that happened. Inside my head was a whole conversation asking me all the “What if…?” negative questions. It went on like a loop trying to convince me to ditch this idea. But then I was able to stop it with a different thought, a strong solid thought of “We can do it. It might be difficult, but we’ve gone farther. Let’s do it.”  It was kinda weird and kinda empowering to have the crazy fear loop stop and this confident thought come forward. It helped me sweep the fear to the side and step around it to get myself dressed, grab my snacks, water and head out the door for my bike. 

Now, that voice was NOT will power, because I do not have that. It was not the voice of only, “Just get it done.” That voice just ticks me off and makes me NOT do something. 

No, it was strong, yet not forceful. 

It was confident and hopeful. 

It reminded me that it was MY idea in the first place and let’s see how we go. There was no pressure to succeed, rather an invitation to see if I could have fun while attempting it.  

It was interesting feeling the difference in my nervous system between the two conversations in my head. Going from swirl and doubt to calm and possible. I liked noticing the difference and choosing to go with the calm and possible voice. 

And, I did it. I rode the busy roads. Took different ways there and home. I stayed present in my body for most of the ride, which was cool. I listened to music and paid attention to my surroundings. When I was tired, I stopped and got a drink of water. I got myself there and back.

So I am celebrating that! 

And I’m using the experience of waking up fluttery-jittery as a reminder that something doesn’t have to be wrong when I feel it. It might just be nerves about attempting something I haven’t before. It is not necessarily a full on crisis coming my way that I have to prepare for. It just might be that I’m stretching and growing in new ways.